A man and his phone.

My most recent stream of text messages from a man.

Man (12:24): oh i'll read the blog. don't you worry.

Me(12:27): holy crap i just typed a really long msg not realizing you were the one it was going to. hope it didn't send, otherwise you'll think i'm on crack!

Man(12:28): lol who does that? get your texts straight.

Me(12:30): whoops! we're even

Man(12:32): totally! i just don't get to be as bitter as you were

Me(12:34): yet i've never sent you suggestive msgs not meant for you while we were bone-ing...which i'll never again have an opportunity to do, so we'll never be even.

Man(12:35): lol it wasn't suggestive at all!

Me(12:38): Bite your tongue.

Man(12:39): LOL done.

Me(12:40): holy shit. i think a pig just flew by.

Man(12:42): I don't think I like your tone.

Me(12:43): If I had a 2 by 4 for everytime I'd heard that I'd have the house you promised me.

Man(12:45): whoa whoa whoa. I promised you boobs, not a house.

Me(12:47): potato, potato...which surprisingly loses its effect over text message.

Man(12:48): i definitely read potato twice.

Me(12:50): did you read you college transcript twice? cuz I'm pretty sure it said you never graduated.

Man(12:51): that's what i had you for.

Me(12:55): why are you awake? sexy vampire, or recently developed coke habit. You chose.

Man(12:59): I'll have to go with sexy vampire. can I be the first one with skin cancer?

Me(1:05): no, you can't,

Man(1:09): there you go telling what i can and can't do again.

Me(1:10): if you wanna go balls out with the skin cancer, great. i just don't think many sexy vampires suffer from that disease...which leaves you with the unfortunate title of cokehead.
Me(1:10): On a side note, I'm glad I've been able to bring your happiness factor down to a place where you're no longer using "lol" every other text message.

Man (1:11): Yes, you've always been good at that. No more lol's for me, that's for sure.

.................

Me (1:19): Did you read it yet?

Man(1:21): Yes, it's evil and visceral and sort of gives me a boner. You at your finest. I don't think you should let him read it in the interest of ever getting laid again.

Me:(1:22): Delete the whole thing?

Man(1:25): Yes, for the love of God, yes.

Me(1:30): Okay I'll send the link to him in the morning.

Man(1:32): You just reminded me of baby ducks in the spring. tiny and cute, but carry horrible diseases and would eat your leg if you fell asleep. Love you. Night.

Me:(1:35): Tolerate you, xo.